I'm Grateful For:

• Starting a new TV series.  We're watching 'Ghost Whisperer', which is... SOOOOO out of character for me, it's not funny.  But y'know, complete inaccuracy in philosophy aside, we kind of like it.  And it's couples time for Brian and I after the kids are abed.
• Brian getting the fallen tree down.  It was making me nervous, that REALLY heavy tree just hanging there, and my littles running around it.  Having it chopped is a very, very, very good thing.  We won't get the chunks split until spring, but that's okay.
• Getting sledding done and over with now.  Although I have to admit, I have an extremely sour attitude about it.  I'm NOT into sledding.  Ever.  At all.  It's cold and repetitive and cold and bumpy and stupid and cold and a lot of work climbing hills just for a 2-second ride to the bottom and cold and ridiculous and... I'm a curmudgeon when it comes to sledding.  But it has to happen once a winter, so getting it over with in January... I can be grateful for that.
• The weather warming up.  It was -1 this past week, so it's VERY nice that we're supposed to reach the 30s today.  I can handle that.  Plus it's nicer now that the storm is over and we don't have to drive in that crazy stuff.  I'm softening in my old age... too many years since I was a Yooper, anymore.
• A nice side work check that came just in time for Brian to get new tires on his truck, take care of dance costumes for the kids, pay the propane bill, and leave us a little extra just as Brian's regular work has slowed down for a week.  We are blessed!
• A WHOLE weekend with Brian home.  His work being slow, he didn't have to work Saturday this week - so we went to the GR Ballet/Symphony production of 'Hansel & Gretel'.  It was nice waking up with him next to me, having breakfast - all of us together - and going out to have an adventure!
• The boys cleaning their room today.  It was getting pretty, crazy bad in there.  And of course it takes HOURS to get it cleaned (so many distractions!!), but... I'm very glad.
• Weight loss.  I haven't mentioned it in a few weeks, but I put on too much over the New Years' thing, and then we got sick a week ago and I lost it again... and so things have been wonky, weight-wise.  But I'm back down to 185, and holding, so I'm hoping if I eat less I can keep it off.  I also had Brian help me bring the elliptical upstairs, so now I don't have to freeze down in the pit to work out... and I'm pretty convinced that shredding does nothing, that y'gotta run.  It's the only way... cut the food and run.
• Being WAY ahead on my reading challenge.  I've got nine of the goal of thirty-six read, although I can't count two of them (they ended up being novellas/short stories).  But I'm enjoying myself.  Now if I only could get motivated to a few OTHER things from my aspiration list...!
• I'm grateful for a Lord that is constant and true, that doesn't change and doesn't leave.  Because sometimes... I go thru these periods where I feel like He's SO FAR away, and I hate it and just call out even more, hoping that those times will be super short and pass quickly, and clinging to the promise that He's there, always.  Then the times start to pass, and it's like feeling the air kick on in August, y'know?  I'm there, right now.  It's been a rough few weeks for me, actually.
• Health.  We're finally all ditching the cough (okay, everyone but me), and the house is back together again, things looking nice, again.  Have I mentioned it's been a rough few weeks?  And with the tree smashing the critter pens and the windstorm blowing everything to kingdom come... it's been rough.  I've had little energy, but now that we're on the mend, the weather's coming out of its funk, and things are getting cleaned up... I think we're on an up-side, again!

Money Matters - Part Three

The next thing I want to talk about is Gerber Life Insurance.

This is the one GOOD financially sound thing that we did when we had children.  Gerber (the baby food company) offers something called the 'Grow-Up Plan'... it's a life insurance policy for babies.  As soon as our children were born, I signed up for a $5000 life insurance plan for them.  It costs very little - I think I pay about $300/yr for my five children.  And if something were to happen to them, I have coverage enough to handle taking care of the burial arrangements.  Not a pleasant thought, but a wise one to consider. 

And nicer than that, as they get older, you can 'upgrade' your policy to a higher amount, if you would like.  Because as they get bigger, the cost of processing increases, it's just a fact of life.  But even nicer than that?  They can take over the policy and continue it as adults, if they so choose.

And the bonus?  When they turn 18, so long as premiums are consistently paid, the money I put into these plans will become available to my children.  According to the site:  "As the years go by, the policy accumulates cash value. This is money that is available if there is ever a need for ready cash as long as premiums are paid. The amount of money depends on your age, how long you have had your insurance and the policy's benefit amount.   ...After 25 years, the cash value is at least equal to or greater than 100% of premiums paid. In other words, even though the policy has provided full insurance protection and all guarantees for 25 years, your child can receive a sum of money that’s at least equal to every dollar paid in premiums if the policy is turned in, assuming there are no outstanding policy loans or interest."  So what I put in, they can get back, later.  The monies aren't just 'lost'.

To me, this is a worthy investment.  It's insurance, it's a 'savings', of sorts, and it offers options to my children in the future.  It's something to consider, anyhow.  So if you're thinking of having children in the future, or in the process of building your family now, I highly recommend you look into the Gerber plans.

Yesterday I said that it was the most important thing to plan for their futures by putting money into an IRA for their retirement/future.  Today I'm saying that it's also a good idea to plan for emergencies/disaster by doing this... and it's an investment that you don't lose with.  So it's definitely worth considering.

Money Matters - Part Two

Today I want to talk about the "First Step" of sound finances.

Now, I realize this is a hot topic out there, because of the world wide craze of Dave Ramsey worshipping.  I have written about this before - I do NOT endorse (or even stomach) Dave Ramsey, and if you want to read more about that, you can do so, here (LINK).  He's an asshole making craploads of money selling common sense in the name of Gawd to the church.  There's a special level of hell set aside for him.  And I don't want to talk about Dave Ramsey.

More, I don't want to talk about the logic of not buying what you can't afford.  Not having credit cards, not taking out extra loans.  How you can't get ahead by going in the hole... that's like wanting to sail to a tropic island, and immediately filling your boat so full that you sink before leaving the shore.  I don't want to talk about this, because it's common sense.  Debt is bad, we all know it.  And because of the rampant stupidity in our nation, a lot of people are grounded right here at this first step: they don't go anywhere until they do two basic things:

1 - Become debt-free
2 - Change their spending habits to STAY debt-free

I'll tell ya - we have been debt-free since 2007.  It wasn't easy - Brian came in with a credit card, and I came into marriage with a capital reserve that was nearly maxed out.  We had a mortgage on a falling-apart, drafty house that we weren't staying afloat with, we had a two-hour commute to anything (family/work/stores)... we were a mess.  We survived the first five years only because we had two incomes, but when I stayed home with our first baby, that's when we started sinking.  To get out of that horrible situation, it required some tough decisions: we had to move to something smaller, more energy efficient that was closer to work/family.  We had to pay off the debt by splitting off acreage and selling it separately from our home.  We had to make concessions on space and location.  But the result was that we were debt-free... and that was the important thing, right?  WRONG.

Now I'm going to shock you by telling you that while getting out of debt is extremely important to a healthy financial condition, it's not THE most important thing to work on.  Dave Ramsey tells people that getting out of debt is the FIRST thing that you do.  I totally DO NOT agree.  And I'll tell you why:  Because if you're going to put in a yard, you don't start with the grass - you start with the trees.  What do I mean?  I mean that the things that take the LONGEST to cultivate are the things that should be started earliest in the plan.  Likewise, if you are looking to have financial stability, you have to start with the things that take the LONGEST to compound.  If you start with eliminating debt, you might never get past that debt elimination step (especially if you can't get a handle on your spending habits)... and then you never get to the stuff that takes the longest to 'cultivate'.

This is where we goofed up.  Sure, we got out of debt, and worked out our spending, but we didn't cultivate our retirement at all.  In fact, most people don't spend much time at all thinking about retirement.  And this is where I've messed up the worst.  Because now we're looking at our forties, and we don't have much of anything in place for the future.  Things that should've been 'started' and left to compound all along... starting at this point in the game is a bad thing.

From what I'm reading, if an 18-year old person gets a job and puts away $2000/yr from it into a Roth IRA, and does that for three years in a row, and then stops and never touches that money again?  There'll be a million dollars there when they are 70 years old.  He/she has done very little but will yield HUGE benefits from prudent foresight.  If you start at age 35, though, you have to sock away $100 a week to get to the same amount... because the earlier you start, the more time it has to compound.

This is something that parents should teach their children, and their children's children.  It's something you'd think they would've taught us in school, but I don't remember anything about sound finances from the public education I got.  WHY!?!?!  Don't you think that taking care of yourself and your future generations should be EXTREMELY important to us?

I gotta tell you - I don't believe in retirement.  It's a thing of the past.  People in our age range will NEVER retire.  This is because there are no more pensions.  Companies don't have them, anymore, for the most part.  It's also because the cost of living/inflation is going through the roof.  And we've seen the demise of retirement firsthand - Brian's co-worker retired a year and a half ago.  He and his wife both had good incomes for their whole lives, had invested, had saved, and sold their house and retired.  They bought a travel trailer and moved to Florida, taking up a manager position in a retirement park.  They were back in less than 24 months... Rick back at the job with Brian, his wife back at hers.  Why?  Because it cost too much.  They couldn't swing it.  They'd ran the numbers, worked decades at saving, and couldn't afford it when they got to that point.

We all know that there isn't going to be Social Security for us when we get to 70 years of age.  We all know that there isn't going to be a GM pension for us.  We have to rely on 401Ks and IRAs - our OWN efforts - to see to our needs in the future.  Unless you want to burden your children beyond belief, or become a needy person living off the state (and the days of THAT are nearly over, too).  So what do we do?

We have to plant the trees FIRST.   Nevermind paying off debt, or getting rid of your credit card.  You can do that AFTER the trees are in.  The most important thing to do is start a retirement account.  Start it as early as you can.  Start it WITH your children, if possible.  It doesn't have to be much... a few thousand (and you can start it with a small amount and add on as you can, making payments like you would on a loan).

Money Matters - Part One

May I just admit up-front that I come from a long line of financially ignorant people?  I do.  I don't ANYTHING about saving, investing, compounding... and scarily, I'm quite possibly the most knowledgeable in my clan, having worked in a bank.  Still, to be completely honest, I don't know anything.  My mom is a big spender.  My brother is better, but different... my sister lives off my mother.  There will be no inheritances... if anything, what will be inherited will be debt.  The same happened with my grandpa (who my mother insisted claimed he was in the poorhouse but wasn't... and then turned out that even WITH a pension and SS income, really *was* in the poorhouse).  My family will work until they die, and then loose stuff, then live on dog food.  Seriously.  Because there's NOTHING there.

Brian's side is different.  They have money, but nobody knows how or why or what happens with it.  It's all very hush-hush.  Words like 'investments' and 'stocks' are murmured behind closed doors, and there's a lot of prime property... tons of acreage... involved, that's being sat on and eyed hungrily by the offspring (which, btw, doesn't include us, so I'm kind of glad not to be in that mess).  But people don't talk about it or know much about it... just that it's there, and someday will be split seven ways to Sunday and squandered by kids (relatively speaking) that are unemployed, wasteful, or ignorant of sound financial practices.  Because nobody teaches anyone in that family how to invest/compound/handle money.  In short, it's hanging off a cliff, and we're going to get to watch it smash on the rocks sometime in the future.  I'm guessing that Brian's grandpa's grandpa was the one who had been successful, and invested, and he taught his son, and he taught his son... so grandpa knows how to invest and save and work with the stock market.  But he obviously didn't teach Brian's dad, and I can promise you Brian's dad didn't teach Brian a THING about investing, saving, or preparing for retirement.

I know this, because it's not something Brian takes care of.  It's not something he knows anything about.  And if he had been taught a few things, it would've helped us IMMENSELY years ago... but I'm getting a little nervous about it, now.  Basically because I don't have a job, we don't have a retirement to speak of, Social Security is not viable, and we're not getting any younger.

One of my goals this year was to read 36 books.  That's three books a month... I'm on book six and it's the first month, so I'm pretty sure I'm going to blow that goal out of the water.  But presently I'm reading a book about with a title something like "How to Retire without Stressing out, Living like a Pauper, or Going Freakin' Crazy".  I wanted to know what this person had to say about saving money.  I wanted to know HOW people do it. 

I know our neighbor George did it.  Of course he worked at GM for a billion years, got his pension, and is alone next door with twelve acres and an ankle-biter.  I don't get it.  I also know that my grandmother and her second husband retired.  Of course he also worked at GM for a billion years, got his pension, and his dad left him money, too.  Pretty much I've come to the conclusion that you only get to retire if you worked for GM.

OTOH, Glenn (grandma's second husband) did try to talk to me about Roth IRAs and bonds and market shares and other stuff when we were first having babies.  I think he did it in Taiwanese, because I remember blinking and not processing a damn word he said.  I knew what an IRA, money market, and 401K were, but what they DID, how they worked, what was best?  RIGHT the heck over my head.  I didn't get it.  The only thing he said that I comprehended was that savings bonds were a good idea in decades past, but these days they don't make much more than a savings account, and tie up the money inconveniently.

I don't understand investments.  But I do know that I want to do more for my kids.  So I'm reading this book... and coming away with some interesting information.  I want to write more about it in the next few days, so I hope you will bear with me as I work through being a little overwhelmed and confused...

Passing it On

This morning my good friend V (Fiberaddict) linked me to a YouTube that was... it was truly amazing.  And because I liked it so much, I'm passing it on to you.  I know she won't mind.

I love the facial expressions he gave them... but I hate the painting.  Because that man should NOT be just sitting there, dejected.  He should be DOING something.  But it's like I said... nobody wants to go to jail.  So there will be no revolution.  Not this time.

uPDaTe:  Apparently the artist has done TWO paintings:

... and is a little disillusioned about Obama's reaction.

It's the 'Little' Things...

New island size of 25 football pitches appears off Germany from North Sea
Retreating Shorline along Texas gulf Coast

WHO:  Dengue showing global 'epidemic potential'
Central America battles to save coffee from fungus

Wildfires Scorch Australia As Temperatures Reach Record Highs
Record cold kills 80 in Bangladesh

Snowpocalypse Russia: 'Snow tsunami' swallows streets, cars, buildings
Another snowless record on tap for Chicago (since 1899)

From one extreme to the next... Russia's never had so much snow, Chicago's never had so little.  Australia's never been so hot, Bangledesh has never been so cold.  Disease is spreading like never before, both in plants and animals.  Land appearing in Germany while receding in Texas.  And then I read this:

Earth is undergoing true Polar Wander, Scientists say

And it all makes a little more sense.

As for us?  We had a terrible windstorm on Saturday night/Sunday morning. 
When we woke up, this was the damage in Critter Corner.

That would be the girl goat pen.  No goats were hurt/escaped, but
What. A. Mess.  Brian got out and took off some of the smaller branches,
but we have a BIG job to do next weekend....

Why I Dislike Humans

Two days ago, Carmen_Black asked why I didn't like people.  She wanted to know what my reasoning was.  Well, honey, the Lord reminded me *JUST* on the heels of that... and apparently for a purpose.  So I could come here and explain it to you in no uncertain terms.  I'm a little frustrated with people-type creatures this morning, and let me tell you just why.

Last night, I got on-line after the kids went to bed to check on things before shutting down the computer for the day.  I was at Facebook because... well, let's face it, everything that happens anymore, happens at Facebook.  I don't need an RSS feed, I have 'pages' at Facebook that link me to the latest updated blogs and websites.  People don't write on sites, they update statuses at Facebook.  So that's where I end up spending the most time, anymore.

One of my friends there is a Messianic gentleman we'll refer to as P.  Ironically, he's one of the people I met AT Facebook - just a random stranger that I saw post something somewhere, and I replied to his comment, and we hit it off, and have been friends ever since.  ((I do this a lot - a good handful of my friends at FB are people I only know at FB.))  P has links to Messianic articles, Jewish news, and some really beautiful Shabbat pictures that I love to see.  I love that he edifies me - very, very few people do that... I spend most of my time edifying other people.  P is a breath of fresh air in my world.

Anyhow, last night P's status report was a link to an article about the Temple Institute building the altar for the Third Temple.  His comment was, "It's later than you think!"  And you know me... I thought, "You have GOT to be kidding me.  Poor P doesn't know the HALF of it."

So I commented on his status.  I said, "P, the third temple's altar was built in 2009... it's three years later than YOU think!"  And because I do try to be a helpful person, I went BACK thru my blog archives, found the link to the post that has excerpts from the 2009 Israeli National News article, and posted the link on his FB after my comment.  Because you know me - I document everything, and I figured that would make it easier on him, having the link right at his fingertips.

Fast forward to this morning.  The comments on P's status that followed mine were as follows: 

And I about threw my HANDS up in the air.  Because God Forbid anyone actually follow the link I provided.  You know what it says if you click the linkie?  It says,

"The rocks were collected from the Dead Sea as documented in the accompanying video. The additional material for filling the cracks between the stones was collected with a gold-plated shovel, to prevent any contact with the iron. This altar has officially been ruled as Kosher and has been constructed to meet the exact specifications that are required to except sacrifices.

That kind of would've answered the questions... *IF* they would've clicked the link and read the article to get the information directly for themselves.  For that matter, how hard would it be to scoot over to the Temple Institute site and find out for themselves?!??!  But honestly?  They didn't even have to do that - I GAVE THEM a linkie right to the article pertaining!

And still you get these completely ignorant comments from people who have been spoon-fed by a church all their lives and wouldn't change it for the world.  They want everything given directly to them, and it better not require any reading or information absorption on their part.  It's like they don't even realize how depraved their state is.  It blows my mind.

The crazy thing is that I went to bed last night thinking, "There's a LOT more than the altar that I could tell them about...!!  They have NO idea just where we are.  The timeline, the SMS, the kick-off of the Sorrows... it's so sad - there's so much they're missing!"  And I was bemoaning the fact that people aren't interested in the rest... that I can't tell P about any of those things.  ((Well, I can/do - I link all my blog posts to my FB so people know when I have put something up, so he has access via link to everything here))...

But it's FAR worse than that - people aren't even interested enough in just this ONE topic - the third altar -  to click the link I put on P's status update!  They can't even be bothered with clicking one finger on a button and following a link to get the information.  They say they want Truth, but they're lazy, uninformed, abysmally ignorant idiots.  I can't believe just how much that pisses me off.  You have these people who act like they're religious, like they have something, but if THAT'S the person who thinks they have something?  They're severely deluded!!   What a tragically stOOpid world this is!!!

And here I am, over here in my own little corner, posting links to articles, noting scripture and fulfillments and spending literally HOURS comparing astronomical events and feast days and prophecies and working all of the information out and writing it all down and sharing it with everyone...  I spent years working out WHY christianity is a cult, why it's NOT the narrow path of righteousness, what Truth actually is and how the Old Testament protocol is actually illustrative of future events and why we are commanded to obedience to live out a dance that - like the celestial movements - play out the plan of all eternity...

You WANT to know why I hate humans?  Because they have become so absolutely mindless, they have become so ignorant and ridiculous that you can put meat right under their noses, and they bump into it, bounce off, and go looking for it with the same half-assed passionless drive somewhere else.  It'd be laughable if it weren't so hideously pathetic.  I can't stand it - I don't know how Yehovah can hold off the way He does.  I just want to lop heads off - they're utterly useless, anyhow!!  Nobody uses them.  What a waste of oxygen!  I don't get it.  I know He's got a timing thing, and that it has to get just so bad before it's go-time, but... good grief!!

This is why I don't like people.  I can speak Truth - shout it to the rooftops, back it up with articles, statistical charts, illustrations and timelines, and NOBODY gets it.  It drives me out of my mind.  People are a waste of time.  I know my job is to make sure the information is out there, in case anyone should dislodge their head from their posterior and actually fire up the old braincells, but for the most part, people just will never and don't ever get a clue.  There is no logic, no rationale, no actual thought.  There's no real hunger, and even those who claim it... I don't see them researching, reading, looking, yearning.  I don't see any passion.  I feel like the Fool on the Hill...

Three days ago I wrote a post about Sandy Hook and what doesn't make sense to me.  Eight people showed up and added information and other things that made them question what truly happened.  Over two HUNDRED people showed up to read the post - which means something somewhere is a-twitter.  But then this moron shows up and goes, "You're a lousy christian for writing negative things about those poor babies."  WHA....????  FIRST, she's a newbie attacking my character (that she has no experience with) on MY site.  Second, I didn't say ANYTHING about any babies, I said a lot about the gov't and powers in control at the school.  Third... I am NOT a Christian!  Get off my site, you idiot!  Absolutely nothing of use to contribute, just this yapping mouth going 90/per, thinking she knows something when she's so full of stupidity, logic couldn't permeate if it wanted to!

And it's not just her.  The women at P's facebook?  The people who show up and 'Jesus' me?  The people who I try to explain things to?  They can't grasp it.  Can't seem to figure out how to turn on their intelligence.  It drives me crazy.  They can't even CLICK on a LINK to read for themselves.  And y'know, it's a fact that you don't really learn if you don't do the research/work... make it your own study.  If you don't see it/read it with your own eyes, it's not yours.  You won't retain, you won't comprehend.  And since nobody wants to put themselves out with it, the WHOLE world is just pickling in ignorance.

That's why I don't like humans.  That's what drives me totally, utterly crazy.

Irrational Fear

Is it normal for a grown woman to be afraid of things?  I always thought that when you got older, you lost some of the silly, more irrational fears from your childhood.  Like being afraid of the dark, or being afraid of people you don't know, or being afraid of forgetting your lunch money or missing the bus.  Being afraid of bullies or fearing that you're too small for an activity.

It doesn't work that way, though, does it?  Or maybe I'm just not normal.  ((Hey, like that would be revelation of the century.))  I'm in my late 30s, mother to five children, kissing away their tears and holding them when they're afraid, and I'm not any braver, it seems, than they are.  Why is that?  Did I just never catch the grown-up bus?

I'm not afraid of the dark, anymore.  But there's a totally different explanation for that one:  I moved out of my mother's house.  When I was little (it started when I was about seven), I became terrified of her house.  And it wasn't just THE house - remember, I grew up military, we moved around a lot.  It was EVERY house... until I moved out on my own.  And then that repressive, dark, horrible... whatever it was no longer oppressing me.  And it was then that I realized that something had been there and it was attached to her, and by removing myself from her I didn't have that to contend with, anymore.  ((Ironically, about three months ago my mom told me that one of my sister's triplets is now terrified of being in any room of their house alone, and refuses to go upstairs.  She's seven years old, I should add.  And I remember being the same way - RUNNING to keep in the same room as other people, and pretending I was just being silly and playing, when I was actually terrified out of my mind.  I feel for that child... she has over a decade of that go to through, living with Grams...))

  But I don't mean that, I mean the other things.  And maybe it's not just me, because now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure that's why most people are so set into patterns and routines.  Because the familiar is safe, it's comfortable.  Seeing the same faces means never having to speak to that stranger.  No chance of rejection or censure or anything discomforting.  Going to the same familiar haunts means that you know what will happen, will recognize the smells, colors, sounds...  We seem to find a place and nestle down, and never look past that nest.  What about what's just outside?  I mean, it's not like we have to travel to Portugal to see the world... the world is just outside of our doorsteps... things we have never seen can be 500 feet up the same road as we live on.

Or am I just weird, because I want NOT to be that way, and what I'm actually afraid of is ending up... rote?  So nestled in that I don't notice, anymore.  I find myself wondering what it would be like NOT to live in Michigan, for example.  What about the West Virginia hills, or the northeast corner of Montana, or on the craggy coast of Maine?  Or what about thinking REALLY outside of the box, and consider a city, like Pittsburg, New Orleans or Brooklyn?  Talk about out of character for the little blonde homesteader nestled in the woods!  But I think about these things.  Maybe because I haven't tried it, it's a sign that I'm stuck.  And worse, maybe I'm afraid of becoming stuck.  And being afraid of becoming stuck may be a sign that I'm unable to commit to a place/thing/particular way.

I tried to deal with it last year.  I slated us to take an 'adventure' every weekend of the year.  Nothing big, like leaving the state, but just little hikes, visits, day trips, festivals.  It didn't work every weekend, factoring in life, but we did manage to have a lot of them.  And even so, even after going here and trying that and seeing this... I still feel tiny and uncertain.  Even after stretching some toes outside the nest, I feel like I've done so little and know even less.  I feel like I've tried nothing at all.  And y'know, that feeling is frightening to me, too.  Because what does that mean?  Does it mean that I'm insatiable?  Or does it mean I haven't reached the right things, yet?  Does it mean I'm trying to do something I shouldn't be doing at all?  Sit down, shut up, and be good, Anna?

S omeone once said that a person should never be content, because it means you've stopped reaching and growing.  I took it that contentedness equated to complacency, and that it was a bad thing.  But then there was that preacher who scathingly told me that as a prophet, I would never be content until I got to Heaven... like lacking contentment was a bad thing and I was going to be a pain in the ass of everyone I meet for the rest of my life.  Well, I mostly avoid people, so that hasn't come to pass so much... although I'll admit (and this post attests to the fact) that I am often a pain in my own ass, anyhow.

I don't know what I'm getting at.  It's probably the long week of fevers and sickness, being cooped up in the house eight days straight.  Maybe it's just the stark trees and rotting piles of leaves exposed now that the snow is gone getting to me.  It could be mid-winter blahs, come early.  But... I just have this strange, unsettled feeling, and it's been growing and choking me up... and I don't like that it smacks of those old familiar feelings of uncertainty that I had as a child.  I wanted to conquer those.  I wanted to build safeguards and learn counter-attacks and to be stronger and more capable... and I don't feel like I'm anywhere near that.