January 2, 2013
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Resolute?
Well, this is weird. I haven’t actually sat down and written a blog in weeks, literally. Everything has been lined up and pre-formatted and ready to go (or just picture-y) for a long time, and here I am, needing to write, and it feels foreign. So crazy!
It’s… the beginning of a new Gregorian year. Everyone around me is starting new things, mostly challenges. I am, too, truth be told. My friend ‘J’ hooked me up to a home challenge, I’m on a new weight-loss challenge (10lbs by V-day!), and with my list yesterday? Yeah, we have some lofty goals going. A LOT to do.
I have so many plans, at this point. So much to do. Because, see, I honestly didn’t expect to be here… and now that I am, I have to move ahead for at LEAST another three months. ((Pesach is the end of March.)) This means I have to decide on and put in camping reservations, schedule our two big trips this year (we’re thinking Mackinaw Island, since I’ve never been, and Chicago, since the kids have never left the state). I’ve got home projects and crafting projects and art projects and a baking challenge… I found a show that I want to audition for, and am looking into getting the kids in dance, again…
And I have a BUNCH of things to implement for school. Free read is being re-vamped, I have “10 Things to Do” monthly sheets to add in… I found a free Kindle book called “52 weeks of French”… I think we’re going to add that in, too.
Thing is, they ALL feel like they’re good ideas, and at the same time, the ALL feel like ‘filler’ for the time. It’s just stuff to do. Yes, it’s growth and progress and accomplishment and experience, but… it also feels like filler.
Worse, I feel a strange urge to pull inward. Close the blog, remove all the extra stuff, seal up the sharing part of my life, and hole up. I don’t know why, but it feels a little… desperate. I know that feeling… it’s a feeling that I’ve had before, and it’s… well, it’s strong. Compelling. Like I have to start thinking differently, like it’s time to make a large change, like I need to be wary… cautious. I don’t know what to do… because the challenges, classes, auditions, the myriads of stuff… it requires putting myself out there. And while it sounds good, I feel quite the contrary about it. I’m torn. And anxious. And feeling a little bit reticent.
Or is it just me, being me?
Probably that… I *am* weird, after all.
Comments (5)
And now I am going to e-mail you and tell you about that dream. It was…interesting.
It’s not just you.
No it’s not you… really, it’s not.
Anyway about the schooling. It’s normal to have a lot of things that need to be taught in the pipeline and also to have them feel like filler. But I also think it’s important to focus one day at a time, so as not to either be overwhelmed or feel aimless.
You may be pushed or prompted to do things you normally wouldn’t do under usual circumstances for a reason. Guidance will come (you know it will) on these thoughts bothering you. I woke up thinking about Job and with this thought in my head: just when we think we have grown enough, He will ask us to grow more… and just when we think we have been pushed enough, we will be pushed further, like clay being worked, shaped into something completely new from what we thought or desired. *shrugs*
I promise to call.
But I don’t think it will be too terrible. Brian’s boss *OWNS* a hotel room he’s only used once in three years (or so I’ve heard). He told Brian that if we should like to visit Chicago someday, he could get us either his room for free, or upgrade to something bigger for no charge, as well. So we’re talking about taking him up on it. Not having to pay for accomodations would take a lot of the cost off us. And it’s right down by(on?) the Magnificent Mile.
But I have never been to the aquarium, and I’d like to take the kids to the Lincoln Park Zoo and Navy Pier, and maybe up the Sears Tower. I need to find out more about what there is to see/do, there, for families, but it’s something we’re seriously considering.
I’ve been once before – to visit my penpal of 25 years when she was living there (Evelyn on my FB). It’s been so long, though! And we were pressed for time/money, then. And I was coming off a medication and extremely NOT myself, so maybe this time I won’t come away with such hazy memories! :p
Ali – I need help. Which e-mail am I supposed to be checking. There are FOUR… two defunct, one anonymous, and one we actually check daily. :crosseye: