September 19, 2012

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  Day 7:  Repentance and Retrospection

  Yesterday I posted that while the 30-days of Elul is a time to get our households, our finances, our relationships with others, and everything OUTSIDE of us in order, the 10 Days of Awe are deeper and more meaningful, because they are the time to get our hearts, minds, spirits, and souls in order.

  When I read this, I wondered, “Now, how the HECK is that supposed to happen?  I mean, my method of prayer has me ‘talking’ mentally to Abba Adonai pretty much 24/7… I can’t stop taking care of the kids and house and everything else I do to KNEEL to do the same thing I always do.  So what does this mean?”

  Well, turns out I didn’t have to worry about it.  See, Brian was gone close to three days, over this past weekend.  I don’t like posting stuff like that here until AFTER the fact, but I was a work widow this past weekend while he was at an enormous machining expo in Chicago with his boss and two other guys from the shop.  I had concerns about it, because Brian’s boss (the company’s owner) has been inching in closer to Brian lately, and that makes me nervous.  First Brian and he (and another guy) went to Detroit for a seminar a week and a half ago.  Then he asked Brian to do a business lunch with him and a client (Brian says it was because he knows the numbers they need in order to correctly quote a viable job.).  Then *the kids and I* got introduced to the boss when Brian’s co-worker’s mom died, and we were all at the visitation, and then the boss showed up the next morning to chat about how well behaved our kids are with Brian.  ((!?!))  And then this 3-days at the expo… that’s a lotta boss interaction, considering Brian stays in his little corner in the back of the factory and minds his business, typically.

  As a result, I have been doing more and more thinking about the kind of impression I make for my husband.  Is Brian proud of me as a wife?  Does he feel as if he has something good here, with us?  Does he go to Chicago and wish he had more money to spend, a more happenin’ lifestyle, more friends and more fun?  Does he come home relieved to be back or disappointed that it’s over?  Does he have good to say about us, so much so that it rolls right off his tongue?  Does my concern over this indicate that I’m an overbearing wife?  Should I even be THINKING this stuff???

  And it got stronger when he came home (believe it or not, TWO HOURS into Rosh Ha’Shana.  I wasn’t happy with the fact that my husband was gone over Shabbat, Erev Tishri and into Rosh Ha’Shana – the holiest day of the year.  But it’s only once every two years, and you can’t reschedule this expo, so that was another thing – I needed NOT to be demanding and unhappy/naggy about it).  But while he was away, I was constantly thinking, “Am I representing a solid front here at home while he’s gone?  Am I holding things together good enough?”  I’ll be honest, I get scared for five minutes, every night that I’m alone.  I’m okay putting kids to bed and I’m okay hanging out playing Nook or doing reading on-line… it’s that five minutes of shutting up the house, turning off lights, checking doors… I don’t LIKE that time.  Once I’m in bed, I’m fine, but that final close-down period freaks me out.  And I think, ‘What is my problem?  It’s no different here then than any other time!’  And at the same time I’m thinking, “Boy, I wish Brian were here.”  Apparently it’s a REALLY good thing that I didn’t marry military.  I like my man home with me too much!

  But anyhow, when he came home, I thought, “I shouldn’t gush too much, make him feel like I’m a clingy wife-person who’s needy and missed him desperately… although I did… although I honestly did REALLY good with the kids, and even hosted my family over in the middle of my massive deep-clean – setting a lovely Shabbat supper and presiding over it!  We had a good time, we had no troubles, and everything went smoothly… and that’s the kind of wife I want to be.  That I succeeded in being outwardly.  But what about inwardly?  How did I do?  Is asking all of these questions about my abilities and behavior a sign of being a wussy or weak wife?

  And that’s when it hit me:  This is the Lord working on my ‘INSIDE’.  He was doing it from Erev Tishri on, taking hold of me and turning my view from “Holy Crap, look at the baby footprints on the wall behind the crib!” to “Holy Crap, I’m actually able to hang streamers and prepare a Shabbat dinner followed directly by a feast WHILE baking banana bread for my husband to take to work on Monday.  Am I a jewel in his crown?  What can I do to be even better for him?  Even better for the Lord?”

  Which brought me around to (last night, on the way to Taschlich) the whole ‘Who I want to be like when I grow up’ thing… and it’s always been my grandma.  My grandma Fern was gentle, kind, understanding, giving, and loving.  I’m… just not, and to be honest, I’ll never be like my grandma Fern.  I’m too saucy, and I don’t tolerate enough shit, truth be told.  And to be frank, that’s something I did NOT admire in her – she often was railroaded because people knew she wasn’t strong enough to fight back.  She was also a bit of an enabler – something I have NOTHING of within me.  So as we were driving I told Brian that I’ve shifted my ideal (who I want to aim to be like) from my grandma to Aunt Mae in the first Spiderman series.  That’s the kind of older woman I want to grow into (should we be here).  That’s the spirit I want to cultivate within myself.  Grace, dignity, strength, and yet kind and understanding.  That’s what repentance is, you know.  The church tells you it’s asking forgiveness, but it’s not.  Repentance is making a change from what isn’t right to what is.

  Yesterday Ha’Satan tried to throw me off-course.  I was looking for a ‘Ten Days of Awe’ header, and stumbled across a 10-day intensive Bible study on the Days of Awe: Retrospective and Self-searching.  And I thought, “Oh, wow…!!  That’s exactly what I need to get the most out of this period of getting right on the inside!”  So I printed it off, and sat down last night to read it.

  First, the man writing it insisted that you use specific versions of the Bible when reading his verses, to get the meaning HE wanted it to have.  Red flag, number one!  Then he used ‘Jesus’ and ‘Christian’ every other word… Red flag, number two!  Then he used marketing ploys to try to draw the reader in, to make it sound like this was the ultimate study that you just HAD to do.  What the…?!?!  And then he started twisting up the Jewish meanings to fit Christianity, that wolf in sheep’s clothing!  He saw something Hebraic and thought he’d garner a little attention for his business by cashing in on the idea, like a money-changer in the temple.  I was so pissed off, I threw it right in the trash.

  And it was then that the Lord said, “Haven’t I been dealing with you well enough the past few days?”  And that’s when I understood what has been going on.  He’s been turning my eyes inward, helping to measure myself and see what needs improvement, and what I have done well in.  He’s been working on me in HIS way, and silly Anna went looking for some snake oil salesman to sell me a fake version of what I already have!  Thank heavens Ha’Shem has given me the ability to see Truth and discern crap from what’s right and good!!

  Anyhow, so that’s where I am.

  • 10:08 am
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