August 29, 2012
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Day Twelve: Confession TimeI’m… not doing so well.
Frankly, I have absolutely no motivation.
For example, I have opened the freezer three times in the past two days, in order to clean it. And I stand in front of it, staring inside, thinking to myself, “Wow… I’m going to pull ALL of that out, just to wash the shelves, and shovel it ALL back in there, and… well, wouldn’t it be wiser to just EAT it and clean it out that way?”
Then I think of how eating what’s in there would decimate what waistline I have left. And then I think, “Yes, but if I’m just going to be raptured in the next 30 days, anyhow, why diet/exercise? That incorruptible body blows away any efforts *I* might try to make… At which point I’m even MORE unmotivated and just close the door and walk away.
And TIRED. I’ve been SO. TIRED. the past two days. Brian says it’s coming home from vacation and my body suddenly able to relax, and literally collapsing in exhaustion. But I didn’t feel tired while we were camping! Okay, I barely sat down out there, but I wasn’t like this – having to force myself to move. It’s crazy how slow I’m moving. And yes, I’m forcing myself to move, but… it doesn’t feel like I’m getting half as much as I planned do done.
Prob’ly cuz I’m not.Brian says, “Does it REALLY need to get done?” I don’t know! If I say yes, I’m failing at the task. If I say no, I’m an idiot for having the task in the first place. So I’m telling myself to take baby steps and not think about it.
Clean that space behind the homeschool dresser. Yeah. I can do that, that’s a baby step. So I dig the rubber bands, paper scraps, pencil nubs, and paper clips out of that space, and think, “That is a PATHETICALLY small area that I just tackled. What is that – three inches by sixteen? THAT’S accomplishing? I’m so screwed…!!! And now I have to pull myself up off the floor, t’boot. Maybe I’ll just stay here… I could probably fall asleep, if I close my eyes…
((stop laughing.))
And then I remember that motivational poster on my Pinterest: “It doesn’t matter how slow you go – if you’re up and moving, you’re lapping the people on the sofa.” Well, that sounds pretty. Doesn’t that sound pretty? Doesn’t make me feel a whole lot better (or more awake…. yaawwwwwnnnn!)… but it sounds pretty.Is it really only 9:56 in the morning?
Oh, good grief, it’s going to be another LONG one…And I have SOOOO much to do, and so little time left. And if I do it more than three days before Rosh Ha’Shana, it’ll just un-do itself. For example, washing bathroom walls. Hey, YOU don’t have four boys that flick toothpaste foam at each other every brushing session. I don’t know how Aaron manages to wipe poo on the side of the sink stand – he doesn’t even WIPE yet, for pity’s sake, but there it is. And there’ll just be more food going bad in the fridge by RH if I clean it today… maybe I should just hold off and buy weird energy boosters for the last four days of Elul… or drink Mountain Dew, r’something… and then just put myself in a caffiene-induced hurricane state and do it all then.
And take a nap now.
(((I TOLD you to stop laughing.)))Do you understand what’s going on, here?Because I’m not kidding. I look at the school stuff and go, “WoW. New semester starts after the feasts. I should put the old stuff away… sometime… eventually. Maybe. Hrmph.” And then I look at my scrapbook and go, “Holy wha, there is NO WAY I’m going to get that done by the end of Elul. It’s a WHOLE book, and I have another 500 pictures to get printed and added…!! What kind of behind schedule am I?! H.O.W. did that happen? I thought I was fairly sorta on top of things!”
Well. Might as well play a game or twelve of Mahjong. ((During the second of which I fall asleep sitting up on the sofa, to be woken up exactly four point two minutes later by a four-year old body slamming into me to make sure I wasn’t dead.)) Maybe I should turn the air up… freeze my butt into action. It’s just so warm and cozy and… yawwwwwnnnn….!!
My friend Qene’ suggested I have a protein deficiency. So I’ve taken to snitching handfuls of cashews throughout the day. It doesn’t help. Salt helps temporarily – snitching potato chips works, but BOTH are detrimental to my near-non-existant waistline, which brings us back ’round to ‘why worry – about ANYTHING, for that matter! – the rapture is coming…’ Which sounds SO good, because I’m SO tired, and won’t be after that…
Welcome to my Elul.
Comments (4)
I always feel more energized when camping to! I think it’s something about being outdoors. When we had our 11 day electrical outage, the first 3 days REALLY SUCKED been then after that I actually ENJOYED it, believe it or not. I liked doing things the “primitive” way, like hauling water, cooking over real fire, heating water for dishes/washing, eating outdoors cause the indoors are too damn hot without the AC etc. I don’t know why, but I was WAY more motivated and enjoyed my work more during that time. I could not watch DVDs or use my computer or the internet during that whole time, and honestly I didn’t really even miss it…life became all about the little things and I was happier for it, after all who really cares what some idiot half-way across the country (or the world, for that matter) is doing or thinks, that has NOTHING to do with me and my little world right where I live. It really changed my perspective on things, and I know it may sound hokey but sometimes you just must persevere “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” ~Galatians 6:7-9 God sees ALL and you reap what you sow…well-doing, no matter how small of an act, will NEVER go unrewarded…when I find myself completely unmotivated I throw up my hands and say “Okay GOD, what do YOU want me to do?!” because that which HE wants accomplished HE will give strength to do, and oftentimes I am directed to something that I had never even considered and it then becomes an unbelievably easy task because my motivation is simply to do what HE SAYS and nothing more..I don’t gotta think about it, I just do it
Oh, I hear ya! I have plans, yo – and they are NOT getting done, because I can NOT stay awake for more than 2 hours at a go (well, I can….but then I’m a zombie.) I need to put the music/game room back together, but to do that the trim needs to be painted (I don’t know WHY – you can’t see it behind all the furniture, but Steven says it HAS to be done…so I look at it and go “eh. Need sleep. Wonder what Anna’s doing?”
(And let’s not talk about work-work, because I honestly could NOT care less about it. :sigh:)
And don’t get me started on diets!!!!!
psst: check your email, please!
I think it’s a spiritual attack. Because what possible good can come from being so tired and/or sleeping? It’s like we’re disciples in the Garden… and Yeshua’s saying, “Stay with me… we’re almost there, almost done!” And I’m fighting for all I’m worth.
And it’s all relative, too… I have edited all 300 July pictures, did all the laundry from home and camping, vaccuumed, got my Elul posts future posted – all except seven, now thru Rosh Ha’Shana. I’ve got some hot spots taken care of… but there’s MORE!!!!
Well, I’ll be honest – I was beginning to wonder if you EVER got tired! This does make me feel somewhat better
btw – your Day 2 post was one of the best ones you have written for the level of us newbies – very helpful.