March 2, 2011

  • Unanswered Prayers

    I should’ve written this a year ago.  Six months ago… it’s been on my heart that long.  But of course I get distracted and wrapped up in other things, and haven’t done so until now.

    Have you ever heard that Garth Brooks song, ‘Unanswered Prayers’?  It’s an oldie but a goodie… I’m sure by now you must’ve.  It’s about a guy who prayed to God that he might be able to spend the rest of his life with his high school sweetheart… and it didn’t happen.  Instead, years later, he bumps into her, and realizes that who she became isn’t quite what he had forseen, and the woman he married was far better for him than what his teenage self could’ve ever anticipated… and that he was – in fact – grateful beyond words to God for having *NOT* answered his prayer all those years ago.

    Well, that’s me.

    I fell in love, once.  With a guy that didn’t talk much.  Consequently, I didn’t know him.  Not really.  What I did know was troubling in silly little ways (or so I’d told myself), but I loved the ‘big picture’ him… if that makes any sense.  I was so certain that he was THE ONE, that I actually went thru half my marriage wishing for ‘what could’ve been’… wondering if I hadn’t screwed up God’s *REAL* plan, somewhere along the line.  Mostly because my ‘true love’ from back then was a believer with his own faith, and my husband was a nonnie who rode along on mine.  That’s how I saw it, anyhow.

    Enter Facebook.  Guess who reconnected, there?  I honestly don’t know if I found him or he found me, but we became ‘friends’.  He asked how we were.  I filled him in.  He never said a word about his family/life, and there was nothing on his FB – and his wife’s FB is locked up tight… except for pictures.  I got a look at his kids, his wife, and him.  Merely out of curiosity, of course… nothing stalker or weird – the same as he was doing with my site (which is LOADED with pictures and such).

    And y’know what?  As I have watched and listened and paid attention… I have learned about him.  Things I saw coming but had hoped wouldn’t be.  Do you know what I mean?  We see someone as we would like them to be, or as we choose to see them, trying to ‘gloss over’ the other things that might prick us or bother us for some reason… hoping those things just slough off in the end and leave the finished product smooth and perfect.

    And maybe they would’ve, if he’d had a different helpmeet.  No doubt if we’d married, I would’ve brought out different things in him than his current wife.  Likewise, if my Brian had married someone different, she would’ve brought out different things in him than I do.  Different people have different outlooks and behaviors.  I’m thrifty and very spiritually-oriented and a back-to-basics person.  He was a spendy, know-it-but-don’t-embrace it in his faith, latest-n-greatest materialistic person.  And meanwhile, my Brian was completely faithless, but very easy-going about what happened around him and what he had/didn’t have.

    As I looked at his page, his wife’s pictures, his kids’ FB pages… I saw who he ‘grew up’ to be… and discovered that he is a VERY different person than I am.  A person I wouldn’t want to be married to, now.  I realized I couldn’t have been who I am currently with him.  I don’t think he could’ve left christianity as I did.  I don’t think he could’ve stood the homesteader lifestyle.  He definitely didn’t want a passel of kids like I wanted (and have).  He wouldn’t have cut corners the way I do, to save.  He wouldn’t have liked going TV-free for 15 years, not having cellphones and cable and high-speed internet… as we have lived.  He bought his 9-year old an iPod touch for X-mess, for pity’s sake!  My jaw dropped at handing that much $$ to a small child… if that doesn’t illustrate the differences…!

    I wouldn’t trade what I have for all the iPod touches in the world. 

    Because of the choices I made, the Lord has blessed me.  He gave me TEN YEARS with my grandmother.  I wouldn’t trade those for anything.  He gave me the Truth, which I might have come to in another way, but this way has been so eye-opening, I can’t imagine coming at it differently.  I have a large, wonderful, healthy bunch of kids who spend their time reading, drawing, running, and creating.  I have critters to chase and laugh at and teach my children the responsibilities of caring for to.  I homeschool, spend all day ingraining them with words of encouragement and wisdom, teaching them about Yehovah when they rise and as they go thru their day.  I wouldn’t trade that for any amount on a second paycheck.  I have a wonderful homestead, with a giant garden, a hot tub for starry night soaks, and every ‘toy’ that we could want.  I have been on stage, in commercials, in a movie, in chorales, in a 5K.

    And I have a husband who supports me in my decisions, appreciates the smaller things in life, who listened as I ranted out of christianity and understood the reasons why… and has made the transition (albeit slowly) with me.  Who was willing to put on peach tights and tromp out on stage, merely because he loves me.  Who has read more books and listened to more craziness and laughed with me through more silliness and insanity…  Who stands up and leads every feast and every Shabbat for our family, even though it is WAY out of his comfort zone to do ANY of this.  He is far better for me than what I thought was best for me all those years ago.

    It’s true.  Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayer.